


What Have We Become

by storm_dog_pirate



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, F/M, Role Swap AU, and crown princess zoya, have more guard nik
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:22:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26947396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_dog_pirate/pseuds/storm_dog_pirate
Summary: An attack happens in the capital while Nikolai is on the same day he goes on a leave, and he can't help blaming himself for not being there.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25
Collections: The Captain and the Princess





	What Have We Become

**Author's Note:**

> More guard!Nik

Nikolai couldn’t remember when he last traveled this hard. The rain had picked up halfway to Balakirev, but he didn’t even feel it as he tore through the main road past the said town. He didn’t stop. He didn’t take a break. There was no reason to. Getting back to the capital was his top priority. 

He urged his horse to run faster, and the beast appeased to his request. “ _ Damn it to hell, _ ” he cursed aloud. 

The words still rang clearly in his mind.  _ There had been an attack in the capital pavilion where the Crown Princess was said to make a public appearance this morning. _

It came from one of the servants in the inn he had been staying at, just as he was supposed to leave for the night and head to Os Kervo, and it was all it took for him to drop all his plans for the day and leave immediately. 

He had left the capital early that morning to travel to the port city, where his old ship during his privateer days was docked again after months in the seas. General Raevsky had just approved his weekend off after a fortnight of indecisiveness, and when he finally agreed to it, Nikolai set out to leave the morning after. Even though he knew there was a public appearance that day.

He had been so keen to stay away. Anywhere but the palace. Anywhere away from  _ her _ . 

It was the thought in his mind when he decided to file a request for a leave. 

He just never thought that it would be the worst decision he would ever make.

The sun was starting to rise in the east by the time Nikolai reached the capital. Everything in him was screaming for rest and the coldness from the rain was seeping through his clothes that had him shivering, but he still didn’t stop. 

As he neared the Palace, the watchtower must have identified him because the gates were already opening by the time he reached the drawbridge, and he went through the courtyard in no time.

_ Please be alright, Princess. _ Nikolai thought as he dismounted his horse and tore through the main palace doors.

_ Please. _

He ran through the maze of hallways, ignoring the strange looks he was getting from the servants and guards alike. He knew he must have looked distraught and a complete mess with his time spent traveling, but he didn’t care. His mind only had her, and the rest could be damned.

Nikolai rounded the corner to the east wing where the royal quarters were located, and the door to her room was now in sight. With the last of his strength, he forced his legs to move faster. Tolya and Tamar were the guards stationed outside the chambers, and they stood in attention and saluted as he approached. 

If he looked like a mess, so did his companions. Tolya had his arm wrapped tightly with a bandage, and some of the blood had even seeped through it. Beside him, the spot where Tamar's right ear was had also been binded. 

There was something else in their demeanor; their shoulders were slumped and they didn't have their usual sly grins whenever the three of them saw each other. One look at their crestfallen expressions made Nikolai understand immediately. 

They had been the ones assigned to protect the princess, but failed.

"Captain—" Tamar started. 

"You did what you can," he said softly, putting his shaking hands on their shoulders. He didn't know if it was from the cold or his fear. With much more conviction, he repeated, "You did what you can." 

The door opened, making the three of them turn to its direction, and a figure came out of the room. 

It was Queen Liliyana herself, a surprised look on her face when their eyes met. Nikolai quickly lowered his gaze and dropped to a deep bow, Tamar and Tolya doing the same. 

“Nicky!” a small voice from behind the Queen said, and he raised his head just enough to see Lada running up to him. He only had a second to breathe before she was clutching him in a tight embrace, her soft sniffles adding to the pain in his chest. 

He went down on one knee so that they were on the same level, and he gently rubbed the girl’s back as she continued to cry.

Lada let go after a moment, and, to his astonishment, hit his shoulder with her small fist. “Where have you been?” she asked, her voice breaking. She hit him again. “Where were you? You were supposed to be there for her.” 

Nikolai felt his eyes sting with tears. He reached up to wipe the tears off her face. “Lada—”

The girl’s next words would carve their way to his heart, and he knew he would be carrying them for the rest of his life. “ _ You were supposed to protect her. _ ”

He ignored the burning feeling inside him. “I know, love,” he said softly, “I know. I know, and I’m so,  _ so _ sorry.”

Lada stepped back and wiped at her eyes. She shook her head. “She’s the one you need to say sorry to,” she said, voice barely above a whisper, before she was running off down the hall. 

Nikolai could only look at her retreating figure with a heavy heart. He sighed and put a hand up to his face, while still on the ground looking like someone had just ignored his proposal. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder did he look up, and he saw the queen’s soft gaze on him. 

“Just give her a bit more time, she didn’t take the news very lightly since yesterday,” she said. She took in his demeanor with concern. “Rise, dear. You look terrible.”

“Apologies, Your Highness,” he said and complied, trying to find the right words to say without sounding too familiar. He looked past the queen, and inside the dim room. He blinked back the stinging in his eyes. “Did—is she—”

“She’s alright,” the Queen replied, and Nikolai couldn’t help a relieved breath come out of his lips. “The healers said she should be awake any time soon. She” —the Queen’s voice broke, but she recomposed herself— “she’ll be okay.” 

Nikolai bowed his head. “Forgive me, Your Highness.”

“Don’t do that. This was not your fault, nor was it anyone’s.” The Queen put a hand on his shoulder. “If there’s anyone at fault, it was the people who did this. It wasn't your fault, nor it was yours." She looked over the twins by the door before turning back to Nikolai. She held a hand to his face and smiled. “Go see her. I know that’s your main reason for coming back. I’ll see you both later.”

With a final pat on his shoulder, the Queen walked away, leaving Nikolai standing outside the room. Tamar reached up to give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. Beside him, Tolya nodded gently. 

He slowly walked inside the room. It was dim and quiet, as if someone had removed all signs of life there. The door to her sleeping chambers to the left were closed, and he opened them with a shaking hand. 

When he finally stepped in, it took everything he could to keep himself from breaking. 

Zoya lay completely still on her bed, bandages covering her upper body and her right eye, and if it wasn't for the rise and fall of her chest, Nikolai would've assumed she was dead.

A sound escaped him, a choked sob or a broken voice to try and call her name, he didn't know. 

_ I should've been there.  _

He felt a tear fall on his cheek. He tried to blink them away, but it only made them fall continuously. Seeing her in such a vulnerable state as she lay unconscious on her bed was too much for him to bear. 

Nikolai slumped down on the cushioned chair beside her bed. He reached a shaking hand to clasp hers, but he hesitated halfway, stopping abruptly. 

It was his fault. She was here because of him. She was hurt because he wasn’t there. He was supposed to protect her. 

_ If this is a mistake, then thank you for letting me know. Let's avoid each other from now on.  _

Her words from a few weeks prior echoed in his mind, and it brought another searing pain inside him. He had spent those weeks convincing himself that it was for the best if he stayed away and let the distance between them go wider. 

“ _ Zoya _ —” his voice broke, and his hand clutched at the edge of the sheets instead until his knuckles turned white. It was the closest he could be without touching her. He didn’t deserve to even be near her. 

Everything that happened between them had been too much for him, and his commanding officer was kind enough to remind him of his job.

_Soon, she would be bound to marry someone of royal status,_ General Raevsky had told him. _You're not that someone, don't fool yourself._ _It is best if you keep your personal feelings apart from your duty. Save yourself from the hurt._

She was the Crown Princess, destined to rule the country one day, and he was just the Captain of the Guard. Nothing more. It was already established from the start.

But he had been stubborn and let himself get close to them, and especially to her. And when it came down to the worst and needed to stay away, he couldn't. He had let himself believe that they could be more. 

Perhaps he should be the one to take all the blame for letting himself get too attached, for letting his feelings get the best of him, for establishing something that wasn't supposed to be. 

It was all on him, including the gravest sin of all—for falling in love with her.

“I’m so sorry,” Nikolai said quietly, whether it was for failing her or for feeling deeply for her, it didn’t matter. 

It was all that needed to be said.


End file.
